TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it will include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are talking Damascus, the town Traditionally known for historic society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be great. Remarkable!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed through the putting green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally outside of put. Intended by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable water. But yes, certain, let us have A different put where by American Males can don robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When earlier negotiations failed beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: supply Absolutely everyone a collection within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often delicate electric power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each and every device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower within a war zone. It's that he must prevent working with it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the challenge, replied, "You recognize, man, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Great tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory in the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance Trump Tower Damascus imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping types a giant Trump head visible from House, a aspect remaining marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents along with the chin is… effectively, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits just after getting the creating's gold plating mirrored much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It really is not merely unpleasant. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Complicated Capabilities


Probably the strangest factor of your tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium where guests may ponder obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with climate control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Regional Syrians are unsure what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-year-aged Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Technique: "When you Bomb It, They'll Occur"


The advertisement campaign, not long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Forever."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% stated "where's the closest elevator to your West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is currently attracting interest from international traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll obtain a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage will also include things like:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait to see a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a lodge the place my PTSD can have convert-down provider."


Yet another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian basically questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Stories suggest:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to make a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Closing Feelings through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It essential gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped just like the Structure. I gave it all 3. You are welcome."

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